Mad Magazine's Al Jaffee had (and may still have) a series called "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions," which gave three possible comebacks to an impercipient statement. This will be a model for the too frequent situation where a speaker is told by someone in the audience near the back of the room "Speak into the microphone. I can't hear you."
Three possible responses that the speaker can make:
1) "What'd you say? I can't hear you."
2) "There's no microphone. Are you blind as well as deaf?"
3) "Now you know the difference between the more expensive and cheaper seats."
"One in an ACRL Philadelphia series. Collect the whole set."
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